Which superhero is the worst husband
The 6 worst comic book super men
It's a tough life for female cartoon characters. If you're killed / raped / powerless / kidnapped to motivate your awkward love interest, aren't you, you are equipped for your back support offsetting your weird over = sized super breasts.
But to make matters worse, the potential partners out there among superheroes will likely convince you you're better off alone. How...
# 6. Spider-Man aka Peter Parker
Spider-Man has a certain Hugh Grant-esque bumbling sweetness about him, and legs that go for miles.
Spider-Man is a wisecracker. Everyone knows that it is one of their defining characteristics. Audiences, however, only have to put up with Spider-Man Lips for 28 pages every couple of weeks or a couple of hours every couple of years. Imagine trying to live with the guy. Imagine sex to have with the man:
"So I think this is where I left that web shooter!"
On top of that, he's a terrible provider. Costumed vigilante justice gets you tons of headlines and the adoration of the millions but the pay is the change it can save from window sills and pigeon nests. The good news? That's even more than your average freelance photographer draws.
Spider-Man sells his marriage to Satan. Just read this sentence over a few more times, let it marinate. Made? OK, allow us to explain:
Spider-Man, in one of his trademarks, haphazardly debunked attempts to do the right thing on national television. This resulted in the Kingpin, a hit on the wall crawler, and aunt the sniper around to eat intended for her dimwitted nephew. With his former supervisor in a worsening coma, Spider-Man began to fear approaching critical values to the attention of the demon Mephisto.
Mephisto, generous, feeling a deal proposed to Spidey: Aunt can be returned to full health, bullet-free, but in return ...
... he would have to give up his marriage to Mary Jane. For some reason.
Spidey narrowed and hustled for a while, but finally the logical decision came: to leave countless future years of happiness with the woman he loves in exchange for a chance for his eighty-year-old aunt to die of heart failure or something.
The marriage of Peter Parker and Mary could be likened to a Toyota Prius with broken brakes: comfortable and reliable for the most part but destined to eventually flatten itself against a wall. And ultimately, it's not worth it.
# 5. The Incredible Hulk, AKA Bruce Banner
The alien warrior queen Caiera.
Say what you say about the Hulk, but he's reliable (to be fucking mad with anger.) Big teeth too.
Aside from the obvious (that he was freaking out, growing six feet, and destroying an entire city block because it was suggested they pick up a little bulbous) there's anatomical compatibility to think about. Bruce Banner may be the smallest, most adorable member imaginable, yet once he joins the Hulks, that thing gets armed.
"Weaponized" is actually a literal description. So every single liquid the Hulk produces is radioactive that a dangerous goods team would rush into the bedroom every time it climaxes.
The Hulk is cursed. A happy Hulk isn't a giant at all, so that means, bye-bye, something that could bring him peace (like, say, a happy relationship.) In the comic book universe that is bad news for anyone in Hoping to settle down, maybe buy a house in the suburbs and pump out little Hulks.
Case In Point: When the Hulk took his second wife, Caiera (yes, he's married twice) it was on a planet he had recently freed a despotic overlord and rescued from an alien threat. She was a proud warrior queen that made her able to fight not only against Hulk tantrums but also his immense mojo.
So, the Hulk basically became king of an entire planet, married to his perfect wife and surrounded by people who love him to pieces. What is happening?
A huge explosion kills everyone except Hulk. Put trumpet go "Wah Wah-Wah-Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah."
To be fair to the Hulk, we don't really know how a man he would be in the long run due to the incredibly short lifespan of his women. And while there probably wasn't much comfort for her, nothing that happened to either of his wives was his direct fault.
The same can't be said on our list for the next guy ...
# 4. Cyclops, Summer AKA Scott
Jean Gray, AKA Phoenix
We don't mean to lie, Cyclops seems to have the whole package: he's polite, clean, great with kids and ridiculously muscular. That's like winning the lottery man, right?
Not correct. While Cyke might be the go-to guy for fighting gigantic robots, you've got the wrong man if you're looking for someone to have a good time with. Summers is a little like the Hulk, only instead of turning into an angry monster, he turns into kind of a tail. And never changes back.
He's the only man alive who can beat the tar out of a gang of genetic freaks who want to work.
The worst thing the Cyclops ever had about his wife might not be the most hideous on this list, but it is without a doubt the stupidest. You see, Cyclops, was married to Jean Gray who, by the way, had psychic powers. When some of the sparks went from the relationship, Cyclops after dealt with the true nature of his dickishness: by seeking sexual healing from another telepathic babe, Emma Frost.
So they become a bizarre "psychological love affair." After all, how would Jean ever find out? Oh wait She is psychological too. Again, Scott Summers, while married to a medium of priceless power, enters into a psychological affair with the kinkiest medium in town.
After Jean catches up, it predictably takes about a thousandth of a second to tear Emma's head and break the gimmicks, resulting in this charming tableau:
Look at Cyclops face in the picture above. It reveals that one of two things: either hey just only realized what a titanically bad decision he was made, or is he still in the dark and fucking completely flabbergasted. "What's wrong, honey? Why are you so mad? Say Oh, hello to Emma, you know Emma, right?"
Meanwhile, in the back of his mind he thinks, "Threesome."
# 3. Hawkeye, AKA Clint Barton
Barbara Morse, AKA Mockingbird
Hawkeye has the typical stamp of approval better than usual skills. He is an expert fists fighter, accomplished gymnast, who provided we can let him perform admirably in the bedroom. If a Cut-Captain America gets without the chauvinistic overtones of your engine running, look no further than Clint Barton.
As hard as it is to be married to a superhero, it is harder to be married to fake B-listers. It must be imagined that Mrs. Hawkeye would constantly try to raise his spirits with such encouragements as:
"I'm sure the next time we fight Doctor Doom you get to do something before Iron Man's carpet-bombs the area."
"You know, you will be technologically relevant when we get sent back to the 16th century! It could happen!"
She lives with a man who has a debilitating inferiority complex, winds, often making weak at the whole "bow and arrow" tries to justify. For example:
"Are you sure?" Cause we could only solve-- "
"IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ARROWS."
Pop Quiz, Guys: Your wife confesses to you that she was raped and she let the rapist die after fighting him. You go first:
A) Wholeheartedly support their actions, only regret that you were not there to kill the man.
B) Tell her that all that matters is that she is "OK" now.
C) freak out, refuse to believe them, and take the rapist's side.
If you picked an answer as a C, congratulations! You are not Hawkeye.
Yes, all of that happened to Mockingbird (the rapist was Phantom Cowboy, it's a long story). Mockingbird finally tells Hawkeye of the events, and we are dealt with this confusing exchange:
By the way, as you can guess by the villain's name, he is a phantom. He doesn't die, in fact, he just lives in another body, so his "death" was basically a mild inconvenience to him. Hawkeye needs his side. "Psychotic Phantasmal Bros Before Hos, I'm Right, Guys!"
# 2. Yellowjacket, AKA Goliath, AKA Giant-Man, AKA Ant-Man, AKA Henry "Hank" Pym
As you can probably tell from the many different names, Henry Pym is constantly finding new ways to display his "growing and shrinking" superpower, fresh, seeming a certain creative flair. He's also a whole hell of a lot of buffer than you would expect your typical super-scientist to be.
Not too fine to put a point, but Henry Pyms kind of an asshole, and an incredibly sketchy one. When he's not unsure of his abilities feeling ("I'm just not large enough! "), he builds robots that will eventually go insane and murder billions of galaxy-wide.
Oh yeah. That's Pym giving his wife a good superhero smacking. According to the authors, WHAK is the sound it made.
That happened while Pym was facing a court martial Avengers for having a crazy donkey. This would effectively brand him a supervillain and given Thor, Iron Man, and Captain America full dance license to tap his skull. Pym, thought long and hard, decided that the best way to convince his friends that he was a threat was ... to build a killer robot to trial the martial attack on. Wait what?
OK, so his plan was to defeat the robot himself, so convincing the gathering that he was still a hero. The Wasp overheard Pym's confused murmurs and Diaboli advocate, suggesting that a giant robot is sending, um, kind of crazy against your super friends. Pym refuses to tolerate a backsass for his genius and brings her an angry backhand, knocking her unconscious.
Wow. Are you getting worse? Cold, distant "and" emotionally unavailable? Check. Gradually alienate all mutual friends and colleagues? Check. Verbal and Physical Abuse? Check. The only reason it's not at the top of the list is that there's a man who does everything better ...
#1. Mr. Fantastic, AKA Reed Richards
Susan Storm, AKA the Invisible Woman
A winning smile, a slick talker, and a penis that can actually stretch a county mile.
Let's look at some examples of Mr. Fantastic philosophies about marriage:
Mr. Fantastic am Communication:
Mr. Fantastic am Reconciliation:
Mr. Fantastic am Castle Susan Up:
Let's face it: any of the pictures above are enough to bootidize Reed Richards as a lousy husband and total dick. But here at Cracked we proudly go the extra mile when imaginary idiots denounce, so try this gem down to size: Reed Richards shut off his own son's brain.
Young Franklin Richards, aspiring mutant Prodigy and his mother's eyeball, was a subject of concern to his father. Franklin apparently had a divine supply changing reality that Reed was afraid he might lose control of. His solution is enough to familiarize someone remotely with an Oedipus complex bite clean through their cigars.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Koma Ray:
Reed "There's no problem Rayguns don't solve," Richards
Reed conflict in the picture see may, but you just know that in the back of your mind he was "Excellent! My calculations regarding the Vegetomatic Tranfusor were spot on! Truly, this was a glorious day for science!"
The fact that Reed Richards is both the worst man on this list while not the only one still married is probably a testament to how good Reed Richards is at spinning his tail moving. Remember, this guy has super powers primarily by considering his fiancee and her stupid teenage brother dangerous radioactive areas of the room (on said fiancee dollar). He became known as a superhero at all, showing that he's a smooth motherfucker. Well we are not fooled, Mr. Richards.
If you enjoyed this, you probably feel insanely jealous while watching the new ones aren't muskets video Comic-Con: The Musical! Or for a list of characters that are not quite marriage material, check out The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time
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