How can I overcome love failures

How to overcome self-blame for having failed?

Hello my dears,

four weeks ago I would never have believed that today I am sitting in front of the PC with a broken heart and like a pile of misery and actually pouring out my heart to strangers. I would like to go a little further and hope that the text does not become too long for you.

I was in an unhappy relationship almost exactly eight years ago. I was just in my early 21s, had my first real boyfriend in 4 years, and things went very badly and was very difficult. At a friend's birthday party I met a young man who had a violent effect on me in the first second. I looked at him and had a head over heels "crush". We talked the whole evening, I talked about my relationship, he talked about his recent breakup, we were so on the same wavelength .. by chance we met again at the disco two weeks later and we both met it became clear that there was more. We made a date and because of him I finally broke out of the relationship and we were the happiest people in the world, both madly in love with each other, moved in directly, the world was pink and full of butterflies. The great love stop. After moving in together the daily grind came and it got stormy every now and then. For his sake, I moved to an area that I absolutely hated and where I never felt comfortable. His parents lived across the street and didn't exactly make me feel comfortable. I became more and more dissatisfied and after 4 years I told him that we were either looking for another apartment or that I was moving out. And he let me go. But it wasn't really a separation ... We always had a lot of contact, often spent the night with each other, tried to keep a distance, but found each other again and again. He suddenly started fighting for me and I really didn't want anyone other than him. And so we came back to each other 2 years ago. I gave up my apartment and moved back on the condition that after a year they would find another apartment together. 2012 was a wonderful year, we made love, did a lot, planned a lot. Then came 2013. In our circle of friends we got married, children were born. I reminded him of our move planning and he got stubborn, always finding new reasons why we couldn't. I was disappointed, got bitchy, kept him at a distance (also physically), wrote him long letters, told him how unhappy I was, toyed with the idea of ‚Äč‚Äčleaving him. He just shrugged his shoulders, told me not to stress, in time it would all come and I just have to live in the now and not always just look to the future .. But I was maximally frustrated .. Then in November his parents invited him to Malle and I was pissed off. I felt marginalized, not accepted as a family member, and disappointed. When he got back from vacation, I realized that he had changed ... he was much more distant, trying to talk. Said he didn't know if it all made sense with us. I panicked. Of course I was unhappy, of course it was modest. But lose him? For heaven's sake, NO! I turned things around, worked hard, did whatever I could, opened my heart to him again (and that after trying to push him a little over the whole year). We cuddled a lot, held hands, spent time, cooked, laughed again. It was such a step in the right direction! We did more with friends, planned Christmas and New Years Eve. We got a we in Berlin from my parents in advance, which is exactly what we did before Christmas. So that we have time to ourselves again. A week earlier he had a big company party and was gone for 2 days and I finally felt like I was missing him again. I was looking forward to Berlin. The weekend there was fine, but there was a veil over it. We walked arm in arm a lot, did a lot, cuddled. But he reacted dismissively to kisses. I'm worried. Hadn't I done everything in the four weeks to show him how good it can be with us if you try a little ..? On the drive home on Sunday he hardly spoke. Then at home he suddenly said he couldn't do any of this any more, that he wanted to run away. He was crying, I was crying. We were in each other's arms. I told him how much I love him and that I don't want to lose him. He said it might be too late for that. The last four weeks don't undo the bad year. And the four weeks didn't feel right to him. He might need a few days apart. I wanted to see my parents until Christmas Day - we both cried and I didn't want to go. The next day he wrote to me that he didn't want to see or hear me until the New Year and that I shouldn't write to him anymore. The ground broke away from under my feet! What about christmas Our plans for New Years Eve? He stuck to it! If I wrote to him, he said, I should stop, he needs time to himself, he has to see if he misses me or if it's better without me. I was utterly desperate. Exactly one week after I left, on December 30th, I wrote him in the morning that I missed him so much. And he replied that he was sorry, but he had something with someone else. My world went black. I called him, he was bitchy and just said that it was a colleague he had met the week before at the Christmas party. And that he always wanted to be fair to me and he was sorry, but was somehow predictable, like I was to him all year. In the evening I drove to him to let him tell me that it was over. But he couldn't. We walked side by side for a long time, crying. He was very sorry and he said that he can never forgive himself for that, it wasn't planned that way, but he just had to go out and talk to whom and she was there for him and comforted him and he made himself lovable felt. She gave him what I denied him all year. And I realized how guilty I was for the whole situation. I would have forgiven him immediately - because I understood his reasons. But he wanted further distance. He said he loves me. I was the love of his life. But he just can't anymore. It doesn't work anymore. Too much is broken. I cried, begged, tried good arguments. But nothing, nothing at all helped. He asked that I get my things, give him his key. I did not want that! We met again two weeks later, I wanted to change his mind before my things were out. This time I was the only one who cried, he was distant and cool. Told me that the thread had been broken on him for some time, that I had changed so much, that he had tried so hard. I realized that I had lost him. 2 days later I got my things. We both cried and hugged each other for a long time. We decided to keep our distance first, he can visit the dog when I'm not there, when we are both over, maybe you can meet, he will always be there for me, I wish him all the best and that he does Take a chance to be happy. He didn't get in touch, but I wrote him a few desperate texts yesterday ... how much I miss him, that I dream of him every night, that I would do anything to get a chance. He just wrote "I'm very sorry" and "Please stop". Yesterday he visited my grandmother's dog. She told me that he has locked and is looking ahead and now I have to do that too. There is no more future.

I've been crying every day for four weeks, almost all the time. It hurts terribly. I am so disappointed in myself. That I realized it too late ... I was just so focused on myself that I didn't see how unhappy he was. I never thought he'd break up. We were so madly in love once! Where did that go? Why doesn't he feel that way anymore? How can he just cut the connection and leave me behind? Why doesn't he give me the chance to do better now? Now that I see all mistakes so openly? How am I supposed to come to terms with the fact that I have lost it and that it is my own fault? I miss him so much! It's been there for almost eight years and now it's gone ... it leaves such a big hole in my heart and in my life ... The train has left, I know that. But I can't believe it ... It's too bad to be true ... I just don't know how to do it without him. I am so infinitely sad and my thoughts go completely in circles.

It's gotten long. But maybe someone is in a similar situation and may answer it ..

20.01.2014 16:43 • #1