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How to get over someone after a breakup

Getting over someone after a breakup isn't easy, especially if you didn't want to end the relationship at all. In today's article, psychologist Marcelo Ceberio discusses the reasons why some people cannot break away from the ghosts of past relationships.

Last update: 10 November, 2020

If you after a breakup Not getting over someone, it doesn't mean that you lie in bed depressed all day long and cry your eyes out. Chances are you're getting on with your life, and so will your ex. You both go about your work and attend events and meet friends.

In general, you will go on with your life as usual. Maybe you've even had an affair or two. Although everything seems to be fine, the memory of this person is still present.

That's because this person is special and you just can't forget them. You long for his company, even if you both already have new partners. When you have a moment of silence, that person will come back to you. Perhaps you feel his absence particularly intensely at night. Though you know you'll never be together again. Still, you wish that this person was with you now.

That's because you guard the things you've done together like a little treasure. In addition, you also miss the tender and beautiful hours that you spent together. Even though the memory of the bad times still makes you feel uncomfortable.

But worst of all, you can't discuss these feelings with your friends. Because they can no longer hear all of this. Plus, they don't like your ex at all. So how can you after a breakup get over someone you loved so much?

Getting over someone after a breakup: haunted by a past love

Many love stories will occupy a therapist sooner or later. Life goes on, and when people probe their emotions, it is inevitable that their conflicts will come to the surface as well. In relation to love, they express both the noblest feelings and the darkest passions. Additionally, there are many different reasons a person might still be attached to their ex.

However, one thing is very clear: this is not really love. Because it is not the same whether you love someone or whether you are addicted, trapped, entangled, or stuck in the past.

A person who visits a therapist because of a problem like this is usually desperate. Many of these people say that they just don't know how to forget an old love. The question that arises here is the following: Can someone live with a spirit that is always and everywhere?

Some people come into a therapy session with the aim of freeing themselves from the mental rumination that constantly follows and accompanies them. Then there are those people who are looking for a psychological formula to help them get over the breakup with their former partner. The latter have also questioned tarot cards and tried love potions. Or maybe they light a candle while using all sorts of esoteric practices to get the ex back. All without success, of course.


A person who cannot get over their ex after a breakup and begins therapy to get that person back is doomed to failure. Of course, it is not possible to remain logical and rational when it comes to human sensitivities and feelings. The idealization of the person from whom one is now separated is one of the many things that make it so difficult to really break away from him.

That's because people tend to forget about the negative things that led to the breakup. In other words, they just seem to remember the good and good times together. In addition, they gloss over the virtues and positive qualities of this person and transform him into a perfect being in their imagination. Unfortunately, such idealizations only grow stronger over time. Therefore it becomes more and more unbearable for those affected not to be with such a “perfect” person.


  • It could be caused by manipulation by the ex-partner. Because many people feed on codependency. Sometimes they use guilt and power games to encourage others to stick with them. And all of this only in order to be able to claim it as part of one's own territory.
  • Some ambivalent people create certain expectations in the person they have separated from, even though they themselves are in a new partnership.
  • Then there are those who just cannot say goodbye because they feel melancholy. You just can't manage and overcome the breakup.
  • In addition, there are also people who try to to be happy and quickly get involved in almost forced dates and sporadic romances. Many also change their appearance. And all of this to later long for her lost love.

Especially but you have to remember that nobody loves another person completely. Most people do this only partially, according to their values, beliefs, preferences, etc. It is a collection of these aspects that prompts a person to enter into a relationship.

Getting over someone after a breakup is difficult - but how can you still love that person after all that has happened?

This attachment trap is illogical. In other words, it doesn't make sense. Although the breakup was one of your most coherent decisions, the lost person still lingers on your mind.

It happens to such an extent that you can't even talk about your feelings. At least not with those around you. Because the people who love you believe that it's their job to remind you of how bad you were with your ex. How much you suffered in this relationship. Of course, you'd like to silence her most.

As you can see, your friends and family also activate your memories. But of course you'd prefer to remain silent about this. Either that or worse. You get angry and defend yourself against their confrontation. Therefore, you may find yourself new friends with whom you can relieve the tension built up by memories. Plus, you do this too because it keeps the memory of your ex-partner alive and well.

Your ex-partner's ghost reappears over and over until it is finally present and present in every moment.Then you focus most of your attention on it and your world and your activities get smaller and smaller. In addition, your intrusive thoughts become stronger and more overwhelming.


People who cannot get over their exes after a breakup become stressed, desperate and fearful. Your thoughts are repetitive and lead to destructive behavior such as compulsive smoking or panic or anxiety disorders. However, all of this also lowers their self-esteem.

An obsessive focus on an ex keeps the person from forgetting who wants to get over someone after a breakup. It keeps her from turning her gaze to another person and starting a new relationship. Because there is apparently no other person in the world than this one person.

Sometimes such obsessive people start monitoring their ex-partner, be it via WhatsApp, phone calls, emails or even stalking. You become a kind of private investigator who follows every step of the ex-partner. Since they are informed about every step of the "object of their desire", they begin to hypothesize about its behavior and feelings.

However, this is a rather uncomfortable situation for both the “hunter” and the pursued. This is because only one of the two parties is trapped in the past relationship while the other wants to be free and live and enjoy her own life.

Getting over someone after a breakup: How can you get them out of your mind?

Once the spirit of a lost person is established in your everyday life, it becomes a part of it. That's why it's pretty hard to get these people out of your head. However, it is no longer just about this special person, but also about him modus operandi, that you have appropriated, i.e. the way you proceed.

It's about the thrill that this control and pursuit creates in you. Therefore, that person's spirit becomes part of your family. He's another member of the system of the person you wanted to overcome and forget after the breakup.

One way to get yourself out of that emotional backpack is to understand and, if possible, accept the sick game you have with your beloved ex-partner's mind. Especially when this person is part of the game and has not yet set any limits.

You also have to become aware of whether this person is in any way nourishing false expectations and hopes in you. Does this person make you believe you somehow still have a chance? For example, does he say “maybe” instead of “no”?

If so, then most likely the reason is your sadness and your pleading to return to yourself, coupled with your promise to change something about yourself. But you should be aware that this will only add confusion and complicate the game.

In any case, it is imperative that you avoid continuing with this. Especially the actions that keep you trapped in the game and do not lead to any change. The retarded person must put an end to stalking in order to to give the other person back their freedom. Because that's the only way to get rid of it yourself.

Final thoughts

You need to know how to deal with sadness, loss, and loneliness. Because not only will that build your confidence and make you more viable, but you'll also get stronger overall. As a result, your actions will also be more consistent.

Be that as it may, there are no set formulas when it comes to love. However, some characteristics are general and occur in most people. So there are some general solutions as well. You may not know exactly why you fell in love or why someone left you. But you can still make rational hypotheses. They will help you understand and overcome this.

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